Heart of Why
Why was I apologizing for sharing my light?
With a stone being to guide me, I went on an inner journey to find the answer to this question that I didn't even know I was asking.
Bytownite was singing to me of past life connections and showed me visions of a life in which I was part of a jazz band (it felt like the 50’s). I could feel the the joy of hanging with the band as vividly as if I was with them in that moment. I was feeling nostalgic for that time and missing the camaraderie that musicians (or any artists) share as they bond through the endless hours of musical jam.
A stone for past life exploration
Bytownite is a stone for past life exploration - so I was not surprised when these old memories rose up into my conscious awareness. Some past life issues had already begun to surface before I started to remember my musician’s life through a different stone guide - a Ruby heart stone. The Ruby helped me to loosen suppressed emotions which stirred up thoughts of the times I shut myself down in my current life. I was remembering how at my wedding a key person in the bridal party warned us that “nobody better cry” in the most threatening of tones. I didn’t realize how significant that statement was and that the universe was speaking to me through this person. At the time I only thought how heartless they were.
I asked to be shown the purpose of this new awareness and then I waited. The answer came a couple of days later. It came just after I received a poignant message from the Universe about holding my head high and not bowing down any longer. (I shared this story in the last light log, “Bowing down in Service”.)
If I hadn’t been paying attention I could have easily missed the connection between what was now being whispered to my heart and these past life memories - not only because it came days after I asked for it but because I didn’t understand the association at first. I had to summon even more patience before that became clear. Also it was a surprising revelation and it took me a minute to process it. What the Universe was showing me was this … when I offered my “services” out to the world, I did so with an apologetic tone …
Here’s my gift. You don’t want it right! Sorry to bother you.
I didn’t actually say those words but it was there in my tone and my posture and my energy. I might as well have been saying those exact words. Why though! Was I ashamed of my intuitive, divinely gifted abilities! I didn’t think I was still holding shame for who I was - never mind the best part of me.
I can hear the song of stones and silent message of other mystical beings and spirit guides.
I can work with the Universe to transform ordinary water into mystical medicine (magical elixir).
I receive sacred wisdom about physical well being that can empower sensitive souls to feel well again.
I can see magic - not only in the synchronicity and ceremony but in the ordinary and mundane.
These are awesome, incredible gifts and I’m grateful to the Universe everyday for them. But could it be that there was some part of me that was feeling shame in these blessings? Why else would I be apologizing for them?
Then there was the matter of these messages the Universe was sending that I couldn't see being connected to this at all. What does apologizing for my gifts have to do with suppressing emotions and being a part of a jazz band.
Sometimes the messages we receive from the Universe are clear as day and sometimes they are more subtle. If we open our hearts to look for them, we will see them. We just need to remember to take the time to look and give ourselves the space to explore what we’re receiving. So I gave myself some time to explore these questions.
The answer came soon after.
It was this:
When you hold shame you are rejecting/judging a part of yourself. You end up suppressing those feelings - sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. When you are suppressing your feelings, you are suppressing a part of yourself.
Perhaps what I was nostalgic for was the creative expression that I experienced when I was part of the jazz band. I must have had an unconditional acceptance of who I was in order to have such freedom of expression. Feeling such ease with my band mates could only come from being comfortable in my own skin. You can’t feel unconditional friendship from others unless you feel it first for yourself. It seems quite simple now but when I was in the midst of those strong emotions, it was far from clear.
Now … as I’m getting ready to publish this post, I am realizing something new and I understand why I had to wait until today - the day of the August New Moon - before I could put it out there. The insight was seeded in my thoughts this morning as I was waking up but I’d forgotten them until just this moment. I received a spontaneous knowing that I had been holding back my light because of my fear of outshining another. My whole purpose is to empower others to remember their light and power. I did not want to be the cause of anyone else feeling “less than” - especially less than me. This energetic pattern was planted ages ago and had been hidden from my conscious awareness. Of course now I know that this is my ego’s way of protecting me from potential pain. Now I understand I that shining my light does not cast shadows on any other being. If anything it inspires others to shine their light out into the world.
That’s why I was apologizing for sharing my light … that’s why the Universe showed me through a family member at my wedding that I was holding back emotions so others won’t feel uncomfortable … that’s why I was so happy being part of the band because in that life - at least in those moments - I was not holding anything back.
Ok … now I really get it. Thanks Universe.
It was quite the orchestration getting me to see this simple truth. So much had to come into alignment for this one small matter … the people that were sent to bring through the Universe’s messages; the memories that came from other lifetimes; the seemingly insignificant moments that would provide so much insight; and of course the crystalline guides.
If there was so much involved in bringing together my experience - imagine what magic has to happen to bring together this entire sacred creation that is our Universe.